Delaying Gratification

In today's edition of "Mark, My Words", I tap into ChatGPT for some free therapy and guidance on building stronger environments, patterns and habits. 

I share this here, not only to have a place to refer back to our conversation, but also to show you how you can be completely honest about something when talking to AI, and get some excellent and truly applicable responses!

MC: 

How can I get better at saying no to myself in order to unlock the power of delaying gratification? How do I steel my mind when it seems to be completely full of distracting and destructive thoughts?

ChatGPT Response: 

Getting better at saying no to yourself and strengthening your ability to delay gratification requires building mental resilience and self-discipline. Here’s how you can approach it:

1. Strengthening Your Ability to Delay Gratification

• Make It a Game – Treat self-control like a muscle you’re training. Set small challenges (e.g., waiting 5 extra minutes before eating something you crave) and gradually increase the difficulty.
• Use the "10-Minute Rule" – When you feel an urge, tell yourself to wait 10 minutes before acting on it. Often, the craving will pass.
• Visualise the Long-Term Reward – Clearly imagine the benefits of self-restraint (better health, financial stability, stronger relationships) to make them feel more real.
• Commit Publicly – Tell someone about your goal. Knowing that someone is watching can reinforce your discipline.
• Automate Good Choices – Set up systems that make indulgence harder (e.g., delete apps, put junk food out of reach, set a budget lock).

2. Steeling Your Mind Against Distractions & Destructive Thoughts

• Name the Thought – When a distracting or negative thought arises, label it: “This is self-doubt,” “This is procrastination.” Naming it creates psychological distance.
• Use Pattern Interrupts – Clap your hands, change your posture, or physically move when you catch yourself spiraling into unhelpful thoughts.
• Meditation & Breath-work – Even five minutes of focusing on your breath can break the cycle of mental noise. Box breathing (inhale 4s, hold 4s, exhale 4s, hold 4s) is especially effective.
• Journaling – Write down the thoughts cluttering your mind. Seeing them on paper makes them lose their power.
• Adopt a Mantra – Repeat a simple phrase to counteract negativity, e.g., “I am in control” or “This too shall pass.”
• Limit Inputs – Reduce exposure to distractions like social media, news, and negativity from others.

Would you say your main challenge is with immediate cravings, long-term habits, or getting past mental roadblocks?

MC: 

Ultimately, I think I’m procrastinating. I have formulated ideas and initial plans for multiple exciting projects but they’re all so big that I grab at any excuse to do something else, rather than the hard work needed to deliver on my ideas. It’s possible teaming up with someone might help, but I’m not sure where to meet the right people. I’m absolutely sure where to meet the wrong people!

ChatGPT Response:

That makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you're dealing with fear-based procrastination—where the sheer size and complexity of your ideas make taking action feel overwhelming. So, instead of moving forward, your brain seeks easy wins (distractions) to feel productive without tackling the real work.

How to Break the Cycle

1. Shrink the Project Down

Big ideas feel paralysing because they exist in your mind as vague, intimidating mountains. Instead, turn them into ridiculously small, actionable steps.

• Ask yourself: What’s the next physical action I can take? Not “work on the project,” but something absurdly small, like “write one bullet point for the outline” or “send one email.”
• Use the 2-Minute Rule: If a task takes less than two minutes, do it immediately. If it’s bigger, break it into a 2-minute action to start momentum.
• Set daily micro-goals: e.g., "Write 100 words" instead of "Write the book."

2. Create an External Commitment

• Accountability Partner – Even if you don’t have a full-time collaborator, just having someone check in on your progress (a friend, coach, or mentor) can keep you moving.
• Build in Public – Share small updates on Twitter, LinkedIn, or a private forum where others can see your progress. Even minimal external pressure helps.
• Set Real Deadlines – If there’s no urgency, procrastination thrives. Create artificial pressure (e.g., promise to present your idea to someone by a specific date).

3. Leverage Collaboration Without the Wrong People

Since you know where not to find the right people, let’s flip it:

• Online Communities – Look for niche forums, Reddit groups, Discord servers, or even paid mastermind groups related to your field.
• Co-working Spaces or Industry Events – Even a casual conversation in the right environment can spark the right connection.
• Reverse the Approach – Instead of searching for co-founders or partners, put your ideas out there in an engaging way. The right people might find you.
• Hire Small, Not Big – If a full collaborator feels like too much, test working with freelancers for small, defined tasks to build momentum (e.g., a designer for a quick mockup or a VA to research something).

4. Defeat the Excuse-Making Loop

Excuses often feel justified in the moment, but they’re usually just mental resistance in disguise. Here’s how to override them:

• Reframe Work as Play – Instead of thinking, I have to do this hard work, think, What’s the most fun or interesting way I can start? Experiment with gamification, time-limited challenges, or changing your environment.
• Use the “5-Second Rule” – The moment you catch yourself hesitating, count down from 5 and physically move toward the task. This interrupts the delay reflex.
• Schedule Procrastination – Instead of resisting distractions entirely, plan time for them (e.g., "I’ll check social media at 3 PM"). This makes it easier to ignore urges because you know you’ll get to them later.
• Track Progress Visibly – Use a whiteboard, notebook, or habit-tracking app to mark small wins. Seeing progress builds momentum.
• Remember: Action Creates Motivation – Not the other way around. You won’t feel ready; you just have to start moving, and motivation will follow.

5. Set a “Go-No-Go” Deadline

Sometimes, a project stays in limbo because there’s no clear decision point on whether to move forward. Set a Go-No-Go deadline, meaning:

• If you’ve made measurable progress by a set date, commit fully.
• If not, park it and move on without guilt.
• This prevents zombie projects—ones that never move forward but still occupy mental space.

6. Build Anti-Procrastination Rituals

Since habits are often stronger than willpower, create rituals that make starting easier:

• Have a Pre-Work Ritual – A simple sequence (e.g., make coffee, put on noise-canceling headphones, open a specific document) signals your brain it’s time to focus.
• Use a Dedicated Work Zone – If possible, separate your workspace from leisure areas to trigger a work mindset.
• Pomodoro + Intentional Breaks – Work in short sprints (e.g., 25 minutes) with planned breaks to avoid burnout and wandering attention.

Final Thought: Just Start—Even if it’s Ugly

Your brain is tricking you into thinking you need to prepare more before starting. In reality, you learn, refine, and gain confidence only through action.

So, don’t aim for a perfect start—just start messy. The sooner you begin, the sooner you’ll figure things out. What’s one small action you can take today to move forward on one of your ideas?

MC:

In terms of meeting the wrong people, time with them (and even alone) will often spiral down into destructive and even hedonistic behaviours. 

 As it’s often my desires and my emotions driving this, I’m the one who has to pay and the result, with no money to build stability or any real future (including real and sustainable relationships) 

 The dopamine crash in general stresses my body and mind, resulting in ever-increasing anxiety and depression, but the pleasure and the high that comes with these destructive behaviours seems to be enough, if I keep doing it, no?

ChatGPT response:

It sounds like you’re caught in a cycle where short-term pleasure overrides long-term well-being, and the consequences—financial instability, anxiety, depression—are stacking up. The fact that you’re recognising this pattern is huge. It means you’re already at the edge of breaking free.

1. The Trap: Dopamine and Hedonism as a False Reward

The pleasure and high you get from destructive behaviors aren’t real fulfillment—they’re just dopamine spikes. Your brain keeps chasing the next hit, even if it comes at a brutal cost. Over time, this:

• Increases tolerance (you need more to feel the same high).
• Diminishes real joy in simple things (because your brain gets used to extremes).
• Leaves you feeling empty when you’re not indulging (hence the anxiety and depression).

It feels like the cycle is keeping you going, but really, it’s keeping you trapped.

2. The Shift: Short-Term Pain, Long-Term Power

You need to rewire what your brain sees as pleasure vs. pain. Right now, destructive behaviors = pleasure, and discipline = pain. Flip it:

• Destructive behaviors = suffering. Imagine the money loss, regret, and how awful you feel afterward before indulging.
• Discipline = freedom. Instead of thinking, I’m depriving myself, think, I’m building something better.

Every time you say no to destructive habits, you win. Every time you say yes, you lose a little more of yourself.

3. Practical Ways to Break the Cycle

You don’t need sheer willpower—you need to change your environment, habits, and rewards.

A. Cut Off the Supply Line

• Make it harder to indulge. Delete contacts, block websites, remove temptation from your physical space.
• Lock your money away. Put it in a separate account, automate savings, or use a system where you can’t easily access it for impulse spending.

B. Replace the High with Something Else

Your brain craves pleasure. You can’t just say no to old habits—you need new highs:

• Dopamine Fasting – Give your brain a reset by avoiding intense stimulation (social media, junk food, etc.) for a few days. This makes simple pleasures feel amazing again.
• Physical Challenge – Exercise gives you a natural high and burns off stress. Pick something hard, like lifting weights or intense cardio.
• Micro-Wins – Set goals that make you feel accomplished (learning something new, making money, mastering a skill).

C. Build a New Tribe

Since you already know where not to find the right people, find places where growth-minded people gather:

• Gym, martial arts, running clubs (fitness builds discipline).
• Mastermind groups, co-working spaces, entrepreneurial communities.
• Volunteer work (surround yourself with people who contribute, not just consume).

If you spend enough time with disciplined, purpose-driven people, your habits will change naturally.

4. Final Thought: The Exit Ramp

There’s always a point before you indulge when you have a choice:

• Option 1: Give in, feel the high, crash later, regret.
• Option 2: Push through the discomfort, wake up feeling stronger, and actually build something real.

Which one do you want more? Because every choice either builds your future or destroys it.

What’s one habit you can change today—not tomorrow—to start breaking free?

MC:

I seem to keep telling myself that I can "Give in, feel the high, crash later, regret. Push through the discomfort, wake up feeling stronger, and actually build something real."  Is this a form of delusion?

ChatGPT Response:

Yes, it’s a form of rationalised self-deception—where your mind tricks you into thinking that you can handle the cycle because you’re "aware" of it. But awareness without action is just another form of avoidance.

It's like standing at a cliff’s edge and thinking, I could step back to safety, or I could jump and deal with the broken bones later. Just because you see both options doesn't mean you're actually choosing the right one.

Why This Happens

Your brain has learned that short-term pleasure is always available, while long-term gains require patience and effort. It defaults to the easy path because:

1. It’s familiar. You’ve done it before, and you survived.
2. Pain avoidance. Pushing through discomfort takes energy, and your brain is wired to conserve energy.
3. The "I'll Fix It Later" Lie. You tell yourself you’ll fix things tomorrow—but when tomorrow comes, the cycle repeats.

How to Escape the Illusion

1. Don’t Play the Game at All. Instead of choosing between giving in or resisting, remove the choice entirely.
   • Example: If alcohol is the issue, don’t just decide whether to drink—remove it from your house, avoid bars, and don’t go out with people who encourage it.
2. Force a Hard Pause. Before acting on impulse, wait 15 minutes. Set a timer. Usually, cravings and urges pass if you delay them.
3. Play the Long Game, Not the Short Game.
   • Every time you indulge, you reinforce the habit.
   • Every time you resist, you weaken the habit.
   • The goal isn’t to be “strong” once—it’s to make self-discipline automatic.
4. Use the “Future You” Test.
   • Picture yourself tomorrow morning. If you gave in, how do you feel?
   • Now, picture yourself if you resisted. Which version of you do you respect more?
5. Commit to One Small Rule. Instead of trying to be perfect, set one non-negotiable rule, like No destructive spending for the next 7 days. This builds confidence without feeling overwhelming.

Final Thought: The Real Question

Right now, your brain is asking: How can I avoid discomfort while still getting what I want?

The real question should be: How can I become the kind of person who no longer even considers these self-destructive choices?

Your old self wants to pull you back. Your future self is begging you to move forward. Who wins?

MC:

Regarding the "future me" test, I feel like I lost self respect so long ago that further loss of self-respect is no longer a driving factor. 

How do I make self discipline automatic?

ChatGPT Response: 

If loss of self-respect is no longer a strong enough motivator, you need a new reason to build discipline—one that’s bigger than just avoiding regret.

Self-discipline becomes automatic when:

1. You identify with it (you see yourself as someone who is disciplined).
2. Your environment makes discipline easier than indulgence.
3. You remove negotiation from the process (you act without debating).

Here’s how to make it happen:

1. Shift Your Identity: Become the Kind of Person Who…

Right now, you might see yourself as someone who wants to be disciplined but often fails. Instead, start telling yourself:

• “I am the kind of person who does what he says he will do.”
• “I don’t entertain destructive choices. They aren’t even options.”
• “I take control, no matter how I feel.”

At first, this will feel fake—but action reinforces identity. The more you act disciplined, the more natural it becomes.

2. Set Non-Negotiable Micro-Habits

Discipline fails when choices are too big and vague. Instead of saying I’ll stop self-destructive behavior, make it smaller and unavoidable:

• Example 1: “I will wake up at the same time every day, no matter what.”
• Example 2: “I will put my phone in another room after 9 PM.”
• Example 3: “I will exercise for 5 minutes daily. If I want to stop, I can.”

These seem tiny, but they remove decision fatigue and build momentum.

3. Change Your Environment to Make Failure Harder

• If you can’t resist a habit, make it impossible to access. (Example: If you waste money, freeze your credit card in a block of ice or have a trusted person hold it.)
• If you need a better habit, make it the easiest option. (Example: If you want to read more, put a book on your pillow every night.)

Discipline isn’t about willpower—it’s about designing your environment so you don’t need willpower.

4. Use an “If-Then” Plan for Weak Moments

Instead of trying to resist in the moment, pre-plan your response:

• If I feel an urge to indulge, then I will… (take a 5-minute walk, call a friend, do 10 push-ups).
• If I start making excuses, then I will… (write down why I committed to discipline in the first place).

Pre-deciding removes emotion from the equation.

5. Create Immediate Consequences and Rewards

Right now, destructive habits feel rewarding instantly, while discipline feels like suffering. Flip that equation.

• Give yourself a reward for discipline. Example: Each time you resist, put £5 in a “reward fund” for something meaningful.
• Create a consequence for failure. Example: If you indulge, you must donate £20 to a cause you hate.

6. Use the “Never Miss Twice” Rule

You will slip. The key is to never let it become a pattern.

• Missing one workout doesn’t matter. Missing two is the start of a new habit.
• Making one bad decision doesn’t define you. Repeating it does.

The golden rule: If you fail, correct course immediately—don’t wait for a “perfect restart.”

7. Stack Your Wins: The Compounding Effect

Right now, every time you indulge, you reinforce weakness. But if you keep stacking small disciplined choices, they become your new default.

• The first week is brutal.
• The second is hard but manageable.
• By the third or fourth, discipline feels normal—because it’s no longer “effort,” it’s just who you are.

Final Thought: Who Are You Building?

Every disciplined choice adds to your future self’s power. Every indulgence weakens him.

You don’t need to be perfect—just consistent. Who do you want to wake up as in 6 months? Start acting like that person today.

What’s one small, non-negotiable action you can start today to begin stacking wins?

MC:

Another thing I do is tell myself that this is the last time, or when it’s gone it’s gone or I can use the money now and pay it back later. 

 How do I break these cycles?

ChatGPT Response: 

These thoughts—"this is the last time," "when it’s gone, it’s gone," "I’ll pay it back later"—are classic self-justifications that keep destructive cycles alive. They trick you into postponing responsibility. The only way to break the cycle is to remove the illusion of future control and interrupt the pattern before it starts.

1. Stop Believing "Future You" Will Magically Be Stronger

• The truth: If you give in today, you’re teaching your future self to do the same.
• Instead of saying, “This is the last time,” ask:
  • “Why would tomorrow be any different if I do the same thing today?”
  • “What proof do I have that I’ll stop later?”
  • “If I can stop tomorrow, why can’t I stop right now?”

Hard Truth: If you don’t stop today, you probably won’t stop tomorrow.

2. Create a Hard Barrier: "I Don't Start"

Most destructive habits start small—a thought, an excuse, a slight indulgence. The key isn’t stopping after you start—it’s never starting at all.

• Instead of: “When it’s gone, it’s gone.”
• Say: “If I never start, I never lose.”

Make a rule: “I don’t start.” If you don’t take the first step, the whole chain reaction dies before it begins.

3. Disrupt the Thought Before It Becomes Action

When the thought appears, immediately disrupt it:

• Stand up.
• Clap your hands loudly.
• Say out loud, “Nope. Not this time.”
• Walk outside, splash water on your face, or call someone.

Breaking a habit isn’t just about willpower—it’s about interrupting the automatic process before it spirals.

4. Replace "I’ll Pay It Back Later" with Brutal Reality

• If you tell yourself, “I’ll pay it back later,” force yourself to calculate the true cost.
• Example: If you waste £100 today, what could that £100 have done?
  • Invested? It could be worth £1,000 later.
  • Spent wisely? It could have helped build a business, a skill, or something lasting.

Train yourself to think: “What am I actually losing?” Not just money—time, energy, progress, and self-respect.

5. Lock Yourself Out of the Cycle

• If spending is the issue: Use a prepaid card with a weekly limit. Delete payment methods from your phone.
• If self-indulgence is the issue: Change your routine so you never enter temptation zones.
• If excuses are the issue: Write down the last 10 times you told yourself "this is the last time." Realize the pattern.

6. Stop Seeing It as a "Decision"—Make It a Law

• Weak mindset: “Should I give in today?”
• Strong mindset: “This is not who I am anymore.”

It’s not a choice. It’s a law of your life. Would you argue with the law of gravity? No. Same with self-discipline—it’s non-negotiable.

7. Give Yourself No Escape Routes

• Make a public commitment to someone you respect.
• Set a hard consequence (example: if you fail, you donate to a cause you hate).
• Make a visible contract—write a note: “The person I want to become doesn’t do this.” Place it where you’ll see it before acting.

Final Thought: You Have to Choose Who Wins

Every time you break the cycle, your future self gains strength.

Every time you give in, your destructive habits tighten their grip.

Right now, which version of you wins? The one who stays in the cycle? Or the one who finally breaks free?

Your next action decides. What will it be?